As Doulas, our main role is to support, empower, assist the parent-to-be in their beautiful pregnant and birthing journey.
But as we know, when a baby is born, a mother/parent is born too. And on top of that: a whole family is born! A father is born, grandparents are, aunties and uncles, and often the little ones of the house “upgrade” to big brother or sister, which is a very important step for them, and a huge one!
So no matter what your role is in a family where a little bundle of joy is soon to arrive, it would be great if you can prepare yourself in order to create a smoother transition for everybody.
Let’s look at all the roles one by one and see how each of us can prepare:
Father/partner
They fulfill a main role in the new family game. You are completely involved and you will take part in all the changes that will concern your family.
Mother and baby are a strong symbiotic duo and sometimes it may feel hard to understand the level of this bond. You may feel a bit left out, but here is the good news… you’re not! Your role is so important, and by supporting your partner you will guarantee that your baby has the best start in life and at the same time your relationship with your partner will get stronger. It’s a delicate time when communicating may result in more difficulty, so that’s why it’s so important to make your communication a priority and try to be as understanding as possible. Show your support by taking care of everything that needs to be done in the house, making sure that your partner (who may be breastfeeding and be up all night) can eat and drink well and rest too. Ask for help if all this becomes overwhelming, think about investing in some professional help (doula/babysitter) and make sure you have someone you can call if you need to vent…your emotions matter too!
Another important thing to consider is that when the baby will be born there will be many things to think about: Would you like to breastfeed exclusively? Where would you like the baby to sleep? How flexible are you with time? Would you like to follow the attachment parenting style, a more normative one or something in between? Which aspect of your life you would like to keep as untouched as possible (for example your and your partner’s alone time, or your weekly date time, etc) You will receive all kinds of advice on this, so it’s important you know where you stand so you can support each other. Take your time to talk about it.
And last but not least, take your time to bond with the baby in your special way. Let the baby rest on you, do some skin to skin, sing them lullabies, read to them, give them bath and, as they grow, you will find more and more ways to play together. If you just switch off the brain for a moment and let your guts talk, the love between you will guide you.
Siblings
When a little brother or sister comes into the family, it’s always a big shift for the children who are already there. All kinds of emotions can come up for them and these are all very normal and they need to be welcomed and embraced. Usually there is a mixture of them… joy, excitement, fear, jealousy; all of these can sometimes lead to behaviours that we may dislike or that can worry us.
So how can we accompany our beloved children in this transition?
First of all, let’s try to be honest with them and reply to their questions in a way that is consistent (as they may ask the same thing over and over), honest, age appropriate and comfortable for us. There isn’t a universal way to say things, but you will find the one that is just right for your family at that moment. Speak to them about the new baby as much as they want to hear and try to involve them as much as they wish.
As the belly grows they will find it more and more interesting and, even if very young, they will love to interact with it, with cuddles, kisses, songs. The baby will appreciate this too and she will start to know the voice and the touch of this little person who will be so important in her life.
Make sure you prepare them well for the days around the birth, so they know that mum will be away for a little while, they know who will take care of them and what will happen. Try to prepare it like a special and merry occasion for them, not something that makes you feel sorry about. You can prepare together a little craft to donate to the baby.
It’s important to show them all your love but don’t hide your love for the baby. Tell them you took care of them in the same way once, and highlights the good things about being big too and the wonderful things you can do together now. Let them interact with the baby as much as possible, trying to teach them (according to the age) to do it in a safe way. Even a young toddler can caress the baby or bring you a clean nappy for nappy change!
There will be hard days and special moments, there will be trials, errors and wins, but deep inside your heart, remember: a baby brother or sister is the biggest gift a child can receive.
Grandparents / aunties/ uncles
Your role is very important and you are probably very excited for the new arrival. The new sprouting family will need as much support as you can give, both emotionally and practically. Your role can also be a bit delicate, as in this evolving powerful moment the line between being very helpful and involved and being perceived as intrusive is very thin. Again, what you can do is to use your heart and keep the communication as open as possible, but also try to empower the new parents in their role as much as possible and show them how strong, capable and wonderful they are as parents. We often live in cultures where we go and visit the new family just to ‘see the baby’ but please do remember that new parents and a new family are born too -- it takes a village to raise a child. Perhaps think about how you can help them with bringing food, doing some cleaning or laundry when you visit them, hold the baby when mom takes a shower, etc. Your support is vital!
Comments